Premiership Forecast

A Premiership manager will be sacked during September. The chairman will make it known he wants to talk to Martin O'Neill about the vacant position. But what he won't tell the fans is he just wants to ask O'Neill for John Gregory or George Graham's phone number.

Mark Viduka scores on his Boro debut, kisses the badge on his shirt and pledges that he "loves this club."

Two weeks into the season, Harry Redknapp claims, "We're down to the bare bones."

Arsene Wenger doesn't see any of the 48 red card incidents his players are involved in. Including Patrick Vieira's drive-by shooting of Harry Kewell. But he spots the 'funny look' Roy Keane gave Freddie Ljunberg and lodges an official complaint to the FA.

After failing to notch in his next three games, Mark Viduka claims his family are unsettled in Teeside.

Des Lynam is forced to try and look happy presenting 'You've Been Framed'.

Wayne Rooney is pictured throwing a wobbly in Dixons, prompting the headline, 'It's Wayne Looney!'

Mark Viduka issues, not so much a 'come and get me' plea, more a 'get me out of this sh*thole' request.

Wayne Rooney is pictured baring his arse at Liverpool fans, prompting the headline, "It's Wayne Mooney!"

Steve McClaren finally finishes that book he's been seen writing during every Middlesboro match.

Ruud van Nistlerooy suffers a foot injury and is forced to be re-shod.

Wayne Rooney is pictured attempting to DJ in a nightclub, prompting the headline, "It's Wayne Spooney!"

On loan to Bolton, Mark Viduka scores on his debut, kisses the badge on his shirt and pledges that he "loves this club."

Roman Abramovich continues to bid for anything that's Italian and pacey. Forcing Thierry Henry to accept a £4million bid for his wife's knackered Fiat Punto.

After manager Santini is sacked, Spurs appoint yet another experienced caretaker until the end of the season. Hong Kong Phooey.

The incident the tabloids have waited for. A Geordie psycho attacks Wayne Rooney with an item of cutlery, prompting the headline, "Toon Loon in Roon Spoon Fume!"

After failing to notch in his next three games, Mark Viduka goes AWOL from Bolton.

Having seen neighbour's Chelsea's bank balance, Fulham launch a new away strip - 'green with envy'.

Despite a 10 match losing streak, West Brom are tipped to stay in the Premiership for three more seasons. Autumn, Winter and Spring.

Roman Abramovich starts to collect players like they were Panini stickers. Offering Arsenal "two Joe Coles" for Patrick Vieira.

Mark Viduka claims the alternator on his club BMW is a bit dicky and he may be forced to move clubs to get it fixed.

Southampton are the latest club to be hit by a sex scandal. Striker Brett Omerod is accused of a one in a bed romp.

CCTV footage captures Roy Keane ringing an old lady's doorbell then running away. An FA spokesman said, "This is just the sort of behaviour schoolkids are likely to copy."

Southampton are without beanpole striker Peter Crouch for two months after the lanky streak of piss strikes a low bridge.

Crystal Palace copy the Greek defensive system, appointing ex City coach Willie Donachie and Phil Babb just so they can boast a Donachie Babb combination.